Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Harem: Rachel (cont'd)

OK, so we went on our second date. Rachel came up here to Nashua, I took her to the butterfly conservatory, we went on a double date with Stephen & Deidre, we all went to Hampton Beach, Rachel and I made out for the first time, she stayed the night, and in the morning I took her out to breakfast at Parker's Maple Barn. After that she went home because I had to go to work that afternoon. It's not particularly pleasant to change into your work clothes and go to work because you're still on such an emotional high. It's like having a delicious double-decker banana split sundae and then eating a plate of liver and onions.

After that, we tried to see each other about once a week. It was difficult because I work full-time on a schedule that is not set from wee to week. And many times she had to go to truancy court regarding a certain case she was handling. It was tricky. Once or twice we had to take a raincheck on a certain date, but for the most part we were able to handle it.

During the time that we were dating, I took her to a letterboxing event. She brought me to the Providence Waterfires. We went camping together. I went to her church. I taught her how to play Killer Bunnies. We tried to talk at least every other night. If not, then we communicated via FaceBook. She even got me to buy a cellphone for the first time.

My co-workers noticed a change in me. Some of them commented that I was glowing. I was smiling a lot more. I was very much in love with Rachel. Everyday that went by, I fell just a little bit more. She was beautiful. She was intelligent. She had an infectious laugh. She was a Christian. To me, she was awesome.

For the first time in my life, I felt right about a relationship. It felt like there was a force that was drawing us together. I felt that God had sent her to me instead of me just picking any girl who would have me. I felt that God was blessing me with a godly woman because I had regained my passion for Him and was actively seeking Him, so He was rewarding me with a woman who could draw me closer to Him and I could help her with her walk.

None of my previous girlfriends had been Christians in the sense of being born-again. Lynette and Jen were Catholic. While I won't say that all Catholics are going to go to Hell, I believe that it is less likely for them because they are taught doctrines that are based on traditions and not on what the Bible actually says about salvation. So there was always a gap between me and those two exes due to the differences in faith.

While Abby believed in the existence of God, she had a very Eastern, New-Agey belief regarding His existence. She believed in the paranormal and spirit-healing and energies and auras and the like. We got into several heated discussions about it. And, yes, I did try to convert her to real Christianity. But at one point she told me that she didn't want me to push my religion on her.

While Abby and I were dating, she would mention how she wanted to marry me. And during periods when I was single she would say to me that she wanted to get back together. She says she's joking, but I know she's telling the truth. She would take me back in a heartbeat. And if I proposed to her, she would probably say yes.

But I can't. My faith is part of who I am. If you date me, then you date my faith as well. And Abby said she didn't want that part of me. So unless she starts going to church and becomes a born-again believer, I will not even consider actively dating her again. (We're still friends, though.)

But with Rachel, I didn't have that problem. She was a born-again Christian and very devoted to the Lord. She had attended Bible colleges for eight years, so she was well-versed in the Scriptures. We would have some lively discussions about our faith. It was nice not having to talk to a girlfriend about my faith without feeling like I had to witness to her.

When I was with my other girlfriends, there was always something pushing us apart. Even early in our relationships, I knew that they wouldn't last. I tried to ignore that feeling and tried to make it work. But I was never truly content with any of them. *Sorry, if either of you are reading this.*

With Rachel, I felt like we were being drawn together. Not only spiritually, but mentally and physically, as well. And that's why I fell in love with her.

And that's why I was crushed when she broke up with me.

I'm one of those people who have to screw up in order to learn anything. If someone tells me I have to do something, I will usually forget to do it the first time around. And then when it hits the fan and the hammer comes down on me, I remember what it was I was supposed to do in the first place and do my best not to screw up again. I've been written up so many times at work because of this. I forget to do the paperwork at night, which is a huge no-no. I get berated and written up. Now I make sure to do the paperwork everyday. It's an unfortunate learning pattern for me.

On the day before my birthday, Jen and I spent a portion of the day together to celebrate my birthday because we wouldn't see each other the next day. There was no one else with us. We went out to lunch, then went bowling, and then went to see a movie. Now, Rachel knew about Jen. She knew we were exes and that she was the one who introduced me to letterboxing. But they had never met each other.

That night Rachel called and asked what I did that day. When I told her, she got very serious and said that she had a very serious problem with that. She did not like that I spent the day with Jen and no one else, that we were alone together. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that that was a date. I went on a date with Jen. I tried to explain to her that it was not a date and that Jen and I were just friends.

She explained to me that when a man and a woman who are not related spend time together, when no other friends are present, then that is a date. It doesn't matter if they are just friends. It's a date. It doesn't matter if one of them is gay. Or if one of them is married. It is a date.

Bob and Nancy go to a coffee shop together because they both love coffee and they heard that the coffee at this particular shop is to die for. Bob is happily married and Nancy is in a lesbian relationship. They are good friends with no romantic interest whatsoever. According to Rachel, Bob and Nancy are on a date.

Rachel told me that she had explained all this to me before. How she had such strong feelings about not being alone with another man that she could not date a man who did not feel the same way. I barely remember such a conversation. I couldn't tell you when it took place, but she said she told me this early on in our relationship.

This is where my learning technique comes into play. She told me something that was so important to her. I forgot about it the first time around. I screwed up. So she broke up. Not yet, though.

The next day, my birthday, I went to a used car dealership to buy a new car. I wanted one that could get me to Rhode Island and back. I put down a deposit on a 2006 Dodge Stratus. That afternoon I spent time at Stephen's house. Rachel called me and wished me a happy birthday. She seemed cheerful.

She called me on the following day. She told me she wanted to break up. She told me that because her rule of not "dating" persons of the opposite gender was so important to her, then she could not continue seeing me because I did not agree 100% with her rule. It was a deal-breaker. I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong by going to lunch, bowling and the movies with Jen. Or with any other woman.

I never cheated on Rachel. I never kissed Jen. I never held hands with Jen. I never even had any lustful thoughts for Jen. But Rachel treated it as if I had had sexual intercourse with Jen. As if I had committed a sin that would damn my soul to Hell.

She asked me why I thought that it was okay for me to do this. I had never thought about it before. I didn't have a well-thought out answer prepared, so I told her that life's experiences, church, youth group, parents and friends taught me that there was nothing wrong with it. If I had had more time to think about it, I would have realized that the reason was that no one ever told me otherwise. No one ever said to me, "Justin, you must never spend time alone with a girl. It is a sin." How would I have ever known?

She proceeded to give me a bunch of other reasons why she was breaking up with me. She mentioned my lack of education. She had spent eight years at Bible college. I had not. She mentioned being "unequally yoked." Apparently I was not equal with her because I didn't have a biblical education. She said that when she joined ChristianMingle, she thought that everyone would have had a Christian education like hers, and that the next guy she dated would have to have studied for eight years, as well. I guess I was too stupid for her. She wanted a scholar.

Wasn't Judas a scholar?

She brought up the differences in denomination. She was Assemblies of God; I was Southern Baptist. She had dreams of one day becoming a woman pastor. Pentecostal churches are known to endorse female pastors. Southern Baptists are not.

First of all, I have no real problem with women becoming pastors or reverends or whatever. If she is called by God and if what she preaches is biblical, then who am I to say she can't do it? The two female pastors I've seen have been less than impressive, but that's beside the point.

And secondly, I really don't consider myself to be a Baptist. True, I grew up in a Baptist church and currently attend a Southern Baptist church, but I don't really hold an allegiance to any denomination. After all, God is not Baptist. He is not Pentecostal, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist, Episcopalian or any other denomination you can list. God is God. He doesn't favor one denomination over the others.

I told Rachel early on in our relationship that I had no problem with switching to another church. If God led me there, I would happily go. But I guess that didn't matter to her. She couldn't date me because I was a Southern Baptist.

My favorite thing that she brought up as to why she couldn't date me was the money issue. I did not make a lot of money. As a social worker, she makes more money than me. I'm a manager in the retail business. I have hourly wages. Therefore I was not worthy of her. She had her own apartment with lots of amenities, two dogs, and a nice car. I did not make enough money for her liking.

And yet, one of her favorite hobbies was shopping at the mall. And she was almost always broke.

And I actually had more money than she did because I save my money.

While I was dating her, I never pegged her for being shallow. I should have seen it. Her need to shop. Her constantly being broke. She grew up in the Hamptons. Her family wasn't rich, but growing up in that area must have instilled in her a skewed perspective of wealth and success.

Now I know where her treasure lies.

She mentioned a few other things. But the one thing that I think she was absolutely correct on and I would agree with whole-heartedly is that she would have grown bossy, and I would have resented her for it. I did see that side of her. When we went camping and I was having trouble pitching the tent, she snapped at me. I didn't think much of it at the time. After all, we all have our buttons, and there are things we lose patience with. But I think that what I saw was just a hint of what was to come if we had stayed together. She would have become bossy and domineering, and I would have grown to resent her for it.

That was that. After ripping me to shreds and telling me how inadequate I was, she dumped me. She tried to sugar-coat it by telling me that I'm a great guy and that I'll find someone new. But that's just like putting whipped cream on a pile of doggy-poo. I could feel my temper rising, but I didn't want the phone conversation to turn into a shouting match, so I hung up. I haven't heard from her since.

On my birthday, she made the decision to break up with me. Classy. She at least had the decency to wait until the next day to do the deed, but it doesn't matter. It's just another in a long list of reasons why I hate my birthday. But that's another story.

There are some things I wish I could have done differently. I wish I had told her that she would have to come up here and break up with me in person. She owed me that. I wish I had truly realized the magnitude of the importance of her rule about being with another person of the opposite sex and her definition of "dating". I wish I had been able to detect early on her love for money. I wish I had been more assertive during our break-up conversation.

I do get it now. Stephen told me that women, in the early stages of a relationship, want a sense of exclusiveness from their man. They need to know that they are the only woman in their man's life. I get that now. I honestly did not before. It never occurred to me how important it is. You see, I didn't experience this with Jen. She knew that I would occasionally go down to see Abby as friends. She never expressed any fears of cheating on my part.

I see now that, by hanging out with Jen without the presence of other friends, Rachel took that as a betrayal of trust. I do truly regret that. I wish I had more foresight regarding such matters. And since it was a long-distance relationship, her feeling betrayal was multiplied.

I still don't agree with her definition of "dating", but in the future I will be a lot more aware, attentive and considerate to my girlfriend's needs and fears. It's all part of my learning process.

Do I miss her? Sure, I do. But I don't. On the one hand, she was the best girlfriend I had ever had and we had a lot of fun together. On the other hand, when I consider our break-up and what she prioritizes romantically, I am grateful I got out of that relationship when I did.

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