The Two Staircases

I had a dream a couple nights ago that turned out to be quite intense. Have you ever had one of those? One that is so distressing that affects you profoundly, and yet you can't get out of that dream?

I dreamt that I died. Then I found myself standing at the top of two staircases with rock walls on either side. The one stairway on the left was made of polished stone and led straight down. That way led to Heaven. The other stairway was also made of similar stone, but was grimy and not well-kept. It curved downward to the right and out of sight into the darkness below. That way led to Hell.

I had to go down one staircase. There was a sign that told me where I was supposed to go. It pointed to the right. At that moment in my dream, I panicked. I thought I was supposed to go to Heaven, but the sign was telling me otherwise. I stayed at the top of the stairs; I didn't want to got to Hell. But I couldn't take the staircase on the left. I wasn't being allowed into Heaven.

I suddenly found that I was not alone. There was a girl who I work with who had also just arrived. I know her to be a strong Christian. She also had to take the stairway to the right. She started panicking. Then a group of people arrived and they were allowed to take the stairway to the left. Then we were joined by another group of people who had to go to the right. But none of us went that way. We were all too scared. We didn't want to go to Hell.

I was seriously freaking out. Normally when I have a dream this intense I'm able to wake myself up. Not this time. I knew I was dreaming, but it had affected me so profoundly that I couldn't wake up.

This dream had played upon one of my biggest fears. The fear of "What if I got it wrong?" I'm terrified of the moment right after arriving in Hell, of the realization that I would be spending all eternity in damnation. I'm scared of God's White-Out. If someone's name is written in the Book of Life, can it be removed? As a Christian, that's just about the scariest thought there is.

There was no conclusion to the dream. I didn't go down either staircase. Eventually the dream faded, but I woke up the next morning still feeling its effects.

Tidbits 1.0

--Something I would like to try one time is to rent a movie I've never seen before, then watch it with the sound off. Just to see if I can understand what is going on. Or maybe watch it in reverse. Or in another language.
--I kinda would like to take a lesson in knitting. I think it's fascinating to find out how one ball of yarn, one string can fit together to make something like a sweater. Kinda like how you can make a lobster out of one square piece of paper without making any cuts.
--One thing I find interesting is watching the gas prices change at the three gas stations in front of my work. You know, kind of like they're fighting for the lowest price.
--Speaking of gas prices, I hate it when they fit the letters and numbers upside down on their price signs. The larger half of the 3 is supposed to be on the bottom!
--"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman is playing on my music player right now. I love it because it's one of the few songs that truly evoke not only emotion, but an image, as well. It's an incredibly powerful song where you can feel the plight of the singer. Billy Joel's "Piano Man" is another such song.
--Why the hell would anyone ask for Playstation Games at an arts & crafts store?!
--I need to come up with an idea for a Halloween costume this year.
--Don't you hate it when you have a wet dream about someone you really shouldn't have a wet dream about?
--If I could go back in time, I would go to the time of Jesus. I'd bring a Bible with me and ask for His autograph.

*sigh*

I really need to proofread my entries before I submit them....

The Harem, part 3

Let's continue, shall we?

Abby was great as a girlfriend. She was a lot of fun. I loved hanging out with her. I don't remember much of what we did. After that first night with her, it was all new territory to me. I think I was putting pressure on myself regarding how I should act. After my relationship with Lynnette, I felt that there were certain obligations that I had to fill in order to be a good boyfriend. There were rules that had to be followed in order to keep a girlfriend.

As I said in my previous entry, Lynnette wanted a lot of romance. She wanted an Adonis. But I couldn't give that to her. So it filled me with feelings of inadequacy when it came to my new relationship with Abby. I confided in her about how I felt, that I was incapable of creating a romantic relationship. But she told me repeatedly that I wasn't obliged to do anything.

Unfortunately, Abby didn't graduate. She claims that she was ejected from the school because the Resident Director hated her and because some of the other students had hidden alcohol in her dorm room. Now, I don't know what happened. I've only ever heard her side of the story. I think it was more of a combination of small things that just built up to the incident which led the Dean to decide to release her from school.

At that point, our relationship became long-distance. And Abby didn't have a car. To this day, it's been over ten years since she actually drove a car. I kept telling her that she needed to get one, but she always adamantly refused. That always pissed me off because essentially became a one-way street. If we wanted to see each other, I always had to drive to her place. She only lived an hour away, but it was still a major annoyance to me. Sometimes she would take the bus, but for the most part, it was me who did the driving.

It was a slow burn, but the long-distance thing took its toll on our relationship. Plus, I think we weren't being honest with each other and with ourselves about what we wanted for our relationship. I don't think I actually knew what I wanted. It wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't happy about it. There were other factors involved. I knew she wasn't "the one". I had no plans to marry her. I remained with her for the same reason I let my relationship with Lynnette last as long as it did. I was lonely.

After college, I didn't have any friends left. Not close ones. I no longer had any contact with Stephen or Josue. With Abby living an hour away, there was no one I could hang around with. I liked the people I worked with, but I didn't really want to get to know them outside of work. I'd go to work and come home to a computer and a television. I really was bored with my life, and it affected my relationship with Abby.

Then one day, Carolyn visited me at work. She was a woman I knew from the church youth group as a staff member. She was also a teacher at a local junior high school. She asked me if I wanted to go out on a blind date with a girl named Angela who was a former student of hers. I was completely taken aback . That was the last thing I would've expected Carolyn to ask of me.

At that point, I was still with Abby, although we were on the way out. The reason I said yes to Carolyn was because I was bored with my life and going on a blind date sounded kind of interesting. When it was over, I would be able to say, " Yes, I went on a blind date with someone, too!" I would have a story to tell. I didn't believe that anything would come of it, that I would end up dating this girl. I just wanted the experience of going on a blind date.

I told Abby about it. Maybe it was a dumb move. Not just telling her about, but also the agreeing to the blind date. But I felt that I had to tell her. Needless to say, we broke up. Words were spoken. Painful words. Feelings were hurt. I was upset, but not heartbroken. No tears were shed. I felt mostly anger, but I was all right.

The date with Angela turned out all right. No big drama or freaky occurrences like you see in sitcoms. It turned out to be her nineteenth birthday. (I was twenty-eight.) When I saw her the first thing that popped into my head was that she looked like a combination of Hilary Swank and Neve Campbell. Kinda skinny. Definitely a plus because Lynnette and Abby were both overweight. (Not fat, though). We met at Carolyn's house where we had a spaghetti dinner (her choice) and then went to see The Mummy Returns. After it was done we exchanged phone numbers and went on our merry way. The evening was just pleasant.

We remained friends after that. We'd go out to eat. We'd hang out at her place and watch videos. I even joined her for a Bible study she had with Carolyn every week.

I was flirtatious with Angela in the beginning. Not overly-so. Just to see if there was any kind of spark between us. I'd say, "Hello, cutie!" or "Luv ya, babe!" Occasionally I would say she looked good in a particular shirt. I also did it just to be nice. I've been told that girls like it when someone compliments them on the way they look.

But Angela didn't. She wrote me a letter stating that my flirtations made her uncomfortable and that she didn't think about me "that way." I replied that even though I did, in fact, think she was very pretty, I would stop. Which I did. For the most part. Occasionally I let one slip now and then.

It's weird how you can see someone every day and they're just part of the ordinary. Maybe a co-worker or friend or someone you see in church every Sunday. And then at some random, not-so-special moment, you all of the sudden are in love. It happened to me with Melissa when I saw her in her Halloween costume. Then it happened again with Angela.

We were doing the Bible study at Carolyn's house. She got up to get a drink from out of the refridgerator. Then BOOM!!! I was totally in love with her! I had seen her cross to the fridge a hundred times over. But at that rather mundane moment, as I watched her walk over, it was like a switch had been flipped. For the rest of the night, I could not concentrate. I desperately wanted to be with her. I wanted to be her girlfriend and she my boyfriend.

But alas, it was not to be. I eventually wrote her a letter expressing how I felt about her. She responded that she wasn't interested. I let the matter die, but not before I told her that if her feelings ever changed, that she would let me know. My feelings for her waned even though I still found her physically attractive. I never told her so, which proved to be a costly mistake. But that's not a mistake that you can see coming. I mean, you don't just come out and say to someone that you're not in love with them anymore. That's rude and downright mean.

More on that later.

It wasn't until Ricki Ann showed up that the word "harem" started to become associated with me. Up till then, I had never brought a guy friend in to my house. It was always a girl I would bring home with me. Whether it was Abby or Angela or Susan. So when my mother met Ricki Ann for the first time, she said to me, "Another one? Boy! You're developing quite the harem!"

I'm not entirely sure where Ricki Ann fits in to the timeline of my life. I just know it was somewhere in the year that I wasn't speaking with Abby. If you ask me if it was before or after my crush on Angela, I couldn't tell you. But she was significant in that she was so memorable. She had quite the personality.

We met at work. She was brought in as a department head. She worked in the wedding department on the other side of the store. I hate to say it, but she was fat. Not disgustingly so, but she had a definite weight problem. Even her face was puffy. But she was also a sweetheart. She had a really cute voice and a cute smile.

Now, I'm a flirt by nature. It's just something I do. I often compare myself to Pepe Lepew. We're both interminable flirts, and females find us physically repulsive. Many times when a girls says, "It's hot in here," I respond with a "Thanks! You're not so bad yourself!" Or if I'm walking by one of the floral designers who's working on an arrangement, I'll say, "Very pretty. And the arrangement's not bad, either." Those kinds of comments would always get a chuckle.

So my flirtations are of the friendly variety. Nothing sexual. Just the kind that garner a round of giggles. I'm never looking to develop a relationship with any of the women. Just to put a smile on their face.

Naturally, I flirted with Ricki Ann. At the time, some of my comments in my repertoire of flirtations were "Hey, sexy," and "Hello there, gohgeous!" I have since retired those greetings. If I knew then what I know now, I definitely would have cut back on the comments. But at the time I had no clue about the complexities and the warnings about the female personality, particularly those who have weight and self-esteem issues. Live and learn, I guess.

So yes, I said those things to Ricki Ann and she responded well to them. She started paying extra attention to me as a result. Our friendliness grew to the point when we exchanged phone numbers and started hanging out together outside of work. At that point I found myself physically attracted to her. Even though she had a weight problem, she just had this thing about her. I don't know what it was that made me gravitate toward her. It's like she pressed all the right buttons.

But her personality was a different story. She was insecure to the extreme. I could barely say a word to her that she wouldn't get defensive about. She would be talking to me on the phone, and out of habit I would let out one tiny, polite laugh to let her know that I was listening. Every single time, she would say, "Are you laughing at me?" Every. Single. Time. I would have to reassure her that it was just my way of being polite. Eventually I got so irritated with her that I stopped denying it.

"Are you laughing at me?"

*sigh* "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because of what you said."

"Why are you being mean to me?"

"I dunno."

We would have that same conversation several times during our phone calls. I found it very aggravating.

She was also insecure about her weight. Who wouldn't be? But her insecurity went to the extreme. I remember one time at work when I was in the stockroom working in my aisle and she was up on a ladder in the next aisle. She lost her balance and grabbed the top shelf to steady herself. I looked up and was startled to see the piles of boxes wobbling. I told her that for a second I thought they were going fall down on me. Well, she took great offense at that. She thought that I had just called her fat because she made the boxes wobble. I said nothing of the sort. Those boxes would've wobbled no matter who was up on the ladder. But I couldn't talk to her for two days because she thought that I had called her fat.

In spite of all that, the spark between us grew. Our conversations became quite sexy. Like I said, she just had this thing about her that I found extremely attractive. One day I took her to see the movie Chicago. We ended up making out right there in the theatre. After that we came back to my place for a heavy make out session.

And that was that. I never saw her again after that night. We spoke on the phone several times, trying to coordinate our next visit, but we always had other plans. I had to work, or she was going out with friends, or I had someplace I needed to be. Eventually I stopped calling her and I never heard from her again.

Time to stop. This is turning out to be quite the book, isn't it?

The Harem, pt 2

I know, I ended rather abruptly last time. Mainly because of time. It was well after midnight when I stopped, knowing that I had more to say. You see, when I write a journal entry I do it live, so to speak. I do it directly onto the blogsite. So most of these entries are free-flowing thoughts. I try to keep some structure just so I make some sense. I don't know how well I do.

Continuing where I left off...

I know, I didn't know Melissa that well. My knowledge of her only extended as far as the four walls of the store. My affection for her was based mostly on her looks. Yes, I know, that's probably a very shallow way of thinking. But as I said before and will probably say again in the future, I am a visually-oriented person. And Melissa was beautiful.

I remember one Thanksgiving morning she was scheduled to appear on a show called Living the Life. It's a show that aired after the 700 Club on the Family Channel. She was doing a segment about easy craft ideas for the holidays. It was a promotion for Michael's, the craft store and my store's arch-nemesis where she worked after getting married. She was eight months pregnant at the time and still looked gorgeous. Yes, of course I taped it.

Megan and Melissa were my two main crushes. There were other girls to which I was attracted. Angela, who I will talk about in the future. Rosie from college, who I thought had the most all-around beauty of all the girls on campus. Jess, the roommate of my girlfriend in college. She was incredibly sweet but a lot funnier than me, so I got jealous. Holly from work. Very pretty and intelligent, but way too liberal. I asked her out once, but she wasn't interested.

I was attracted to these girls, but I wasn't that invested in them. When it became apparent that I had not shot with them, I would be okay with it. Then I'd just sit back and admire them from afar.

It wasn't until I was 21 that I got my first girlfriend. My friend Stephen and his girlfriend Pam set me up with her friend named Lynnette. He had never had a relationship, either. So Stephen and Pam conspired to get Lynnette and I together. It was the case of him saying, "You know, Justin, Pam told me that Lynnette said that she was crazy about you." And Pam would say to Lynnette, "You know, Stephen told me that Justin said that he was crazy about you."

I saw right through the ploy. I knew there was no way in hell any girl in her right mind would say that about me. Besides, I had been in similar situations before. I'd be standing in the high school library minding my own business when some girl would come up to me, point to some table and say, "You see that girl over there? She think's you're cute." That actually happened a few times. One time in junior high school, I was sitting in the cafeteria enjoying an ice cream sandwich when a tough headbanger chick called to me from a couple tables over, "I've got something better for you to lick," after which her girlfriends laughed hysterically.

Those and other such situations like a girl asking if I was big taught me to be skeptical of any girl who made an advance on me. So when Stephen told me about Lynnette being crazy about me, I didn't believe it for a second. But I decided to go with it anyway. First of all, we were no longer in high school. Second, he was one of my best friends; I knew I could trust him not to pull any of that shit with me. Even though he was always razzing me about being a virgin, I knew he genuinely wanted me to get a girlfriend. Finally, I was lonely. It sucks being the only single person in a circle of friends. Your loneliness increases proportionately to the number of friends in said circle.

So I decided to go along with it. When the four of us, Stephen, Pam, Lynnette and I, would hang out, I paid extra attention to Lynnette. I would cheer extra hard for her when we went bowling. I'd compliment her on her sweater. Eventually we started hanging out, just the two of us. We took walks in the park. Went rollerskating, which I really hated because I was so bad at it. Before long we were holding hands and then making out in the back seat of her car. Very original, eh?

Her parents didn't like me. Her father was an ex-Marine, so automatically disapproved of some dorky-looking guy with no college experience and who worked at a pizza restaurant. I'm not sure, but I think her mother didn't like me for the same reason.

I was never happy with that relationship. She wanted a lot of romance, the kind that you see in cheesy romantic comedies or read about in books featuring a bare-chested Fabio on the cover. She wanted cards and flowers and moonlit walks on the beach. I am incapable of that level of cliche. I can do it on Valentine's Day, but on the other 364 days of the year, forget it. She also tried to change me. I was a big geek (still am) and wore a lot od comic book-inspired t-shirts. She wanted me to wear nice shirts like the kind you find at the Gap or Abercrombie & Fitch. She would nag me about doing my homework, which I resented. I swear, there were times that she reminded me so much of my mother.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I wanted out of my relationship with Lynnette. She was my first girlfriend, so I was pretty much just seeing what it was like having a girlfriend. I think I was hooked on the physical side of it. Not just the making out, but mostly just being close to someone. I believe I was still lonely, and when I held her, I felt less lonely. That's a powerful feeling and it can be intoxicating for someone who has as low a self-image as I did.

After about six months she broke up with me. I wasn't broken up about it. I was never emotionally attached to her. I was down but not that upset. It was my first break-up, so I was pretty much just seeing what it felt like. I was somewhat expecting to be heart-broken. After all, isn't that how it always happened in the movies and tv? Wasn't I supposed to crying and wailing and trying to come up with ways of winning her back?

I don't even remember our break-up conversation.

Several months later I got a call from her. She was doing a work-study at a college she was going to attend in the fall. She invited me to hang out with her. After a couple visits we were back together. I guess she had tried dating a few guys, but they didn't pan out, so she decided to give me a second chance.

By that time Stephen and my other best friend, Josue, had moved on to college, and I was once again feeling lonely. So I enrolled at her college. By the end of the fall semester we had broken up again. Same reasons. She wanted a romance I was unable to give her. She was trying to change me. I was addicted to the feeling of closeness.

Only difference was that I remember the break-up conversation. A week prior to that, she told me that she was going to meet with some guy friends from high school. During our break-up she revealed to me that that was just a ploy to make me jealous. She wanted me to object to her going to see some guys other than me. I don't consider myself a jealous person. If she wanted to spend time with friends she hadn't seen since high school, I wasn't going to stop her. But I wasn't understanding of the subtle devices women use (I still don't). I was completely oblivious to what her true purpose was, and she took that as a sign that I didn't love her. Hence the break-up.

Once again, I wasn't that upset about it. I tried to be cordial with her afterward. It was a small campus and we shared the same dormitory. It was only natural that we saw each other all the time. I would say hi, but she never responded and never made eye contact. The one time we spoke was when I was telling someone about a parking ticket I had received and she was incredulous about the circumstances.

The following year proved to be very pivotal. During my first year I had never given Abby much consideration. She was a social sciences major, while I was an art major. I knew that she had a reputation for being a drinker. We never had any interaction because she lived in a different dormitory.

During the second year, Abby became roommates with Jess, my on-again-off-again crush. Because I hung around Jess quite a bit, I spent more time with Abby. She tells me that she was walking into the cafeteria one day and saw me sitting there by myself reading a comic book. I guess at that moment I sparked her interest and she decided that she wanted to get to know me better. So she sat down and started talking with me. I don't remember this occurence because I didn't realize its importance.

She started spending more and more time with me. But with me being so clueless about the subtleties of womens' devices, I had no idea she was interested in me.

For the people who live on the street where the college is, Halloween is a major event. It's like their Mardi Gras. The street becomes mobbed with little vampires and princesses and monsters and Power Rangers. Families come from miles around and from surrounding towns because the residents go all out with their celebrations. The pastor of the local church puts on a mini presentation of The Phantom of the Opera every fifteen minutes. One year the students turned one of the dorms into a haunted house that kids could walk through. We went all out with that one. God, I love Halloween!

We didn't have a haunted house during the second year, much to my chagrin. Instead, one of the guys dared me to go trick-or-treating. I was 21 then. Some of the girls and the resident director were taking some children out, so I joined them. When Abby heard that I was going, she tagged along, as well. Despite my age, I was getting into the fun of it and grew impatient with the snail's pace the girls were moving at. So I decided to break off from the group and go on ahead. Abby asked if she could join me, to which I agreed.

At some point she asked me, "What do you look for in a woman?"

I really didn't know what to say. No one had asked me that before. I thought about it for a second and said, "Umm...I guess someone who laughs at my jokes."

"Do I laugh at your jokes?"

Another pause. "Yeah. You do."

The conversation ended there. And a weird one, I thought it was. Yes, I was a moron to not notice what had just happened. It wasn't until I was going to bed that night that it hit me. Wait a minute. Did she ask me out? Was that what she was asking?

The next day Shawna, Abby's friend, came up to me and excitedly asked me if she had asked me out yet. Being an idiot who answers questions based on technicalities, I answered no because Abby didn't actually ask, "Do you want to go out with me?" I asked Shawna if she was supposed to, but she told me to talk to Abby instead. At that point I knew the answer to my question the previous night. I went to Abby and asked point blank if she had, indeed, tried to ask me out. She said yes.

I wasn't sure how to react at first. Before that I had been severely disheartened because no one had ever shown any interest in me. My self-image was dismal. I thought I was ugly and that no one would ever want me. I truly believed that I had no redeeming qualities. Why go for me when you could have the Brad Pitt look-alike standing next to me?

Now along came Abby expressing interest in me. She, of her own free will, considered me pursuable. She thought I was worth it. She had gone for me when she could have gone for Dan or Brian or David. When I realized that, it meant the world to me. Abby had given me hope. Maybe I wasn't worthless.

Abby and I hung around a lot after that. And since Jess had started dating the college cook and staying at his place, we were alone most of the time. And yes, we started making out. And yes, she became my first time.

The day after, I really didn't know what to think. In retrospect, I think I was expecting some life-changing moment. Some big turning point backed up by an orchestral score by John Williams. But there wasn't. I was still me, some schmoe who was going to college. I really didn't feel that different. Even though I knew it was a sin, I didn't really regret it. I now knew what sex felt like. But there was no big change.

Abby pulled me aside and asked me if we were a couple or if it was just a fling. Being the idiot that I am, I said I thought we already were an item. I guess she was confused and a little let down by my answer. Who can blame her, with an answer like mine? But honestly, I didn't know what to think. I was still trying to suss out what had happened and how I felt about it. I was waiting for the life-changing moment.

*Sigh* Running late again. Must stop here. More to come.